Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. Where to start? My dad was born in 1921. He grew up on a farm, so the depression didn't hit them so hard there. He didn't wear shoes anyway, so who needed them? My father was a charmer, he could tell you stories that you believed and then when you hit the punchline, you realized you had been taken again. He told my childhood friends that it rained worms. How can it rain worms they said? He said how else do they get on top of the sidewalk? I don't remember alot about my childhood regretfully. My father drank alot when I was very young, I don't know when he quit exactly, but I must have been around 11 or a little older. He smoked as well.  He quit after we hounded him into quitting, siting grandchildren that didn't need second hand smoke ( my brother's childen), and that he needed to quit. He quit but 27 years later he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I knew the moment I was told, that it wasn't a good thing. They never removed the tumor from his lung, he had it in a rib and some lymph nodes in his neck.  Chemo, radation that was just horribly intensely painful followed. He couldn't talk for 3 months because his throat was so raw. My father would have walked through fire to stay with my mother, because he already saw what was happening to her during his 18 month fight with cancer.  My father loved my mother beyond infinity. They were married 58 years when he died.  He asked me when he was in the hospital at the end to make sure that I would take care of my mother.  I'm sure he knew it would be hard for us both, we were not compatible creatures, then again all I know is he wanted an answer that someone take care of her.  My father looked at me one day when I had yelled and was so angry and said you aren't happy, you need to do whatever it is to make yourself happy. From my father that was deep, he didn't expound emotionally ever except physically affectionately. Well Dad,  I am taking care of your wife, my mother and I got divorced. I can't say at this point any of this is making me happy, but someone told me I had the patience of Job, it will come.  I miss you Dad, I love you and think of you everyday.  I am sorry my mother lost you before she should have.  The only good thing is that with time her hurt at your death and being left behind has faded.  She hardly remembers what he died from or the long agonizing 18 months before.  Happy Father's Day Dad!

That's NOT what I said !!!!

Well what did you say? This is a new issue. My mother will open her mouth and what she wants to say comes out mixed up totally.  We look at her to see if she realizes what she is saying is nonsense and acknowledge it is not quite right, or we say that didn't make much sense, can you try again?  She EXPECTS and WANTS me to decipher what she is trying to say when she does indeed realize it wasn't like it should be.  My frustration level is high, and I can only wonder what it feels like to sorta know that what you said makes no sense. Alot of the time, she looks at us like that was right wasn't it???? We laugh lightly and say no.. not quite.  She wanted to call her good friend that prepared meals with her on Saturdays at her previous church. She turned to me and said I want to call that Dr. from church PERIOD.  Doctor? Yes you know that Dr.  The Dr. that I used to work with on Saturdays, etc.. I said if you mean Steve he owns a bar and he is not a Dr.,  Mother. Oh well, maybe that is it.  You can be riding along and she will look out the window and say the trash can is on the car. She knows instantly that it might not be right and I have no idea, driving the car looking for a trash can on a car. 
My great aunt lived with my family when I was growing up. She had dementia the whole time I remember her being there.  She had to leave the family when she became uncontrollable. I remember she would physically beat my mother and father as they put her to bed. She had to be locked into the basement because she would go out and wander outside the house. Back then you didn't have deadbolts and chains on doors, although we did add a chain.  She would sit on the stairs leading to the outside door inside the kitchen and look at the people and cars. She would say--look at that doofunny... there goes another doofunny.  She would tell things that made no sense and wind a long tale around the nonsense.  This is where we are headed.  Mother won't be locked in her basement apartment, she lives in my house with me and my daughter. But she will have to be safe and in assisted living, with all the other doofunnies....

Today you are 89..

May 14, 2011 you are 89.  " I am not I am 90." You were born in 1922. " I was not you dont know when my birthday was." You were born on Sunday, Mother's Day, May 14, 1922. "Were you there, because I dont think you were?" We go throughout the day, I let people know it's her birthday and she tells them all she is 90, no not quite. " She doesn't know she wasn't there." Mom you think I wouldn't give you a party for your 90th birthday? "No, because I am not having a party am I?"  " I am 90." Mother you have an identification card in your wallet that states your birthdate. " I do not have anything like that, and if you told them the birthdate to put on it, then it is wrong." We get out the identification card, I explain also that my father was two years older and her sister was 3 years older and their birthdates.  " What makes you such a know it all?"
"Why do you think you know so much more than I do?"
People call on the phone and she continues to tell them she is 90.  At the end of the day, she finally says, "Well I guess I have to live another whole damn year to be 90."
Yes mother, another whole damn year!
Happy Birthday!

Life Goes On .... regardless of how hard I step on the brakes

"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out. ~Anton Chekhov "
Looking for quotes this one fits the time period we are in now.  Mother continues to deteroirate. She has a hard time verbalizing now what she wants to say. She opens her mouth, stammers, stutters, slams her hands down on the table, the chair, her lap and says I can't say it. It is very hard to watch, as I am sure it is very hard for her as well. She will then say I will say it in a minute. We all go on our way and when she feels ready to speak, we come to her again and listen.  She doesn't comprehend her insurance papers, cannot write a check anymore, at times is not capable of dialing the phone.  She has become paranoid about her room and her things. She says that her granddaughter is going through her things, stealing money, fixes the tv purposely so it will not turn on and there by " punishing" her for the day leaving her without the tv.  Every night when she turns it off, she hits 2 buttons and there by "fixing" it herself.  I tell her things that she has said literally less than 3 minutes previously, and she says you are making that up. You are lying, You need your head examined.  You just want me to look bad so you make up these things and say I've said them.
The sheer disagreeability at times is just overwhelming. She has said my daughter has hit her, I know she and my daughter butt heads but my daughter would never hit her grandmother. Therefore I can't leave her alone while she is out of school and I am still working in case Mother would say it happened again. She tells people on the phone what she " thinks " we have done to her. She tells cashiers that " I can't do anything right," which causes them to look at me like I am Satan.
She doesn't look like she has dementia, unless you look deep in her eyes.  You can see that the light is fading and at times no one is home to recieve your call.

FLUFFY?

Going to the movie, last week... "Morning Glories" .. Can't talk out loud in the movie Mother. "Okay, I know that."  Midway through the movie Mother turns to granddaughter what did they say? SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH says granddaughter.. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH yourself says Grandmother.. Both talking out loud.  Hilarious, till Mother turns to me and says "Did they say PUFFY?"  I whispered and said, "NO they said fluffy!" .. she said " WHAT?" I said " FLUFFY!"   she said " OH, FLUFFY!" thanks lol ...
yes thanks mom.. talking out loud anyway ... lololol

Our Last Trip

Look out North Carolina here we come!  Made the mistake of telling mother about the trip far to far in advance. She stewed, fretted, swore she wasn't going, etc. She cannot stay home alone. She doesn't know 911 to call, her son's number immediately, she cannot think on the spur of the moment.  She doesn't even take her meds, we lay them out for her day by day and her granddaughter gives her the nightly meds every night.
I helped her pack on Thursday afternoon, Friday morning she swore she had nothing packed and was packing stuff in our suitcase, because she didn't remember that her stuff was packed.  I didn't know this till later.  We set off and had a gps I had borrowed.  Everytime the GPS was silent for any length of time, mother would say " she doesn't like us," " why isn't she talking to us?" " I am ready to hear her talk again,".... If we get stuck in traffic, the response is " why is there so much traffic?" " because it's rush hour mother.", "why can't you get in another lane?", " I think we need to move somewhere else on the road," over and over and over. Unfortunately, if you answer snippy to any of these oft repeated ( and I mean every 5 minutes) questions, then she gets mad and stops talking.  Just like the "kids in the backseat," how much longer? when will we get there? She cannot read her eyes are too bad to read in the car, she won't nap, she feels she has to watch the road.  A trip that should have taken 6 hours, took 9 and by the time we got to the hotel she was so disoriented, she was trying to open coffee in the bathroom of the hotel thinking it was candy. She was talking nonsense.  She didn't sleep well, and was just not well.  The day of the wedding, we got ready and went to the wedding, 1 hour into the reception she was ready to go, not understanding we had driven 9 hours to come to one of my oldest, dearest friends daughter's wedding.  WE ARE HAVING CAKE Mother!!
She said she didn't care about cake she wanted to go to the hotel.  We got our cake and left. Sighs... She told the Bride we had driven 12 hours to get there.. LOL  We went back to our hotel and left early the next morning after switching hotels because the first one was filthy ( but that is another story.) Coming home it took her 3 days to recup and we have decided that was her last trip, other than overnight in Atlanta.  It is a shame, but it just takes too much out of her. Disorientation, fretting, worrying, is not worth it.

INSOMNIA!

I love to sleep. period.  But I like to sleep when it's time to sleep. I do enjoy naps on the odd day off from work, they are really not enjoyed as much as they should be by a large number of people. They think they will be frowned upon if they "admit" they like to nap. I do it proudly.  When I can't sleep at night because I've had a nap in the day I accept it. But when I cannot sleep at night because of  menopause I am not happy!! God's plan for women to have babies I agree with, God's plan that women have periods for how many years, and then have to go through menopause is not funny.  Menopause is in red because it makes me angry, makes me moody, makes me HOT! and messes with my sleeping.  I accept the symptoms but I am not liking them.  My family is tired of me all of sudden saying OHHHH IT'S HOT! turn on the FAN! turn down the AIR! and of course I throw off the covers up to 6 times a night.  Turn the covers back, and then doze off, wake up cold, and then cover back up.... hour and half later off go the covers and the whole process is repeated.  I guess the question I need to ask is how long does this last and can I make it through without actually wanting to kill someone in my house, that doesn't understand how out of control you can feel. It is really just like PMS  but with more HEAT,  and INSOMNIA!
I think I am going back to bed!  Good thing I am off work now and can sleep in, otherwise,  I would be much grumpier than I am already lol.