Dignity...

This the face of Dementia... Someone lets her dress herself in anything, they don't comb her hair, they don't push her glasses up.. and then they take her picture. She has beautiful brown hair naturally, she has nice clothes, and she has some sense. I am not happy when people take pictures of my mother with her hair a mess, and mismatched clothes as if to say here she is now. This is not my mother's way of doing things, and she should be afforded the dignity of someone helping her dress a little better, helping her comb her hair, or not taking her picture. The only good thing about this picture is that it is my smiling mother mugging for the camera and she doesn't realize how she looks.  I can see the dementia lurking and it is progressing. But I love her even if her clothes don't match and her hair is a mess... miss you mom .. the real you ...

May 14, 2012. My mother was 90 yesterday which was a Monday. I saw her on Sunday, Mother's day. I told her ohhh about 6 times that Monday was her birthday and everytime her response was are you sure? I am positive it was long ago. I would tell her that she was going to be 90 and she said she's ready to die. I told her that her son and his wife, were planning a party for her on the 19th, and she said I won't be there I am going to die. I told her that her daughter in law would be very angry since I am sure she ordered a lovely cake from publix for her. ( am being facetious.) Told her that her brother was coming with his wife and one of his 8 kids. She said my brother??? do i have a brother? you mean Tony? I said no Tony is your son, ohhh she said. I said Don is your brother. She said I can't get a picture in my head of my brother. I said thats okay you will recognize him when you see him. She said you need to be there to say look mother here is Don! here is Babette... so I don't seem to look stupid.  My mother was born in 1922, prohibition, the depression, WW II, Korean War, Vietnam, all the others, TVs, electronics, indoor plumbing, just a myriad amount of inventions that she saw come into her life.  
I cannot imagine trying to conjure up a face of a loved one and not being able to do it. I cannot imagine wanting to say something and something entirely different comes out of your mouth and you either laugh or get mad about it. My mother turned 90 and while she has not always been the kindest person to me, she was better than her mother. She has now lived longer than anyone on her side of the family. She has a baby brother that is 85. 
The dementia worsens, her feet and ankles are swollen alot, she doesn't get near the exercise she did here in the house. No on is paying attention to this but me.  I wish I could win the lottery and then I could afford to buy a house with a wing just for her and someone to take care of her in the last part of her life. 
Happy Birthday Mother, I am glad you are still with us, even if you don't know all of us. 

Flickety Spinkey la louiesamafrado

Went to pick up mother yesterday to take her out for the day, and she started talking gibberish. This happened the last time as well. She started to the closet and said wholickedstampfridgerator, and my daughter and I just said that wasn't english. She turned to us and started laughing and said I can't talk! I said we know. As long as we stay in that assisted living facility she cannot talk. We took her out in the car and she started talking about trees, yes incessantly, but coherently. She talked about how she loved going out in the car and riding, looking at trees, yes trees again but again coherent.  She wanted to know where we were going. I said to a mall and she said ohhh good.  We had taken her to one before.  It was longer from the facility. On the way home, there was a wreck on the highway, so we had to use the gps to find an alternative route. It was near her dinner time and she started panicking. I told her that we had called ahead and I would get her something to eat on the way back. We were over a hour and half getting back. She started obsessing about the traffic, wanting to know where they were coming from, where they were going and why they were passing me.  The only problem with this was my nerves. It was very nerve wracking to try and find a way to go, and she just never stopped talking. My patience is just shot with that kind of thing and I am just so sorry that I wasn't as nice as I could be. I asked her to be quiet and of course she didn't. LOL   but I tried.  But the time we got back we had to turn around a couple of times looking for something for her to eat she was beside herself about where she was and when she was getting home.
Lesson learned, don't go too far, don't keep her out too long, and make sure she has something to occupy herself in the car next time.  I love my mother but I am not patient enough to take her far again.
I am sorry.

5 months

It's been five months since mother left to go to assisted living. Trying to do an update in my head. She has steadily gone downhill. Calling her on the phone is painful, she is wallowing in paranoia. She is convinced either another resident or one of the workers is stealing her clothes, her things and attempting to be mean to her everyday. She doesn't talk coherently, repeats herself and just doesn't have the right word for anything much come out of her mouth. I did convince her that I brought her clothes yesterday and they were hers from the house. She didn't like them, said they were rags but she agrees they are hers. That is a miracle! She did say they would be gone in 10 days or less because once the " others " saw them, they would steal them.  Took her to her favorite restaurant and she has never been there before in her life, and has never had a milkshake either. She doesn't remember that I was married for 23 years, or she had a son in law or what his name is, and I said that's okay.. lol .. She does believe Cody just appeared on the scene.
She calls her glasses " chicken glasses, " don't know what that means, couldn't get it out of her.
Financially it's been very tough on me with one weekend's  notice my brother took my mother and cut off the contribution she made to my income. It has been very difficult and would have been nicer to have some advance notice. I am losing my job in June, and it has been difficult to put any money away without the tiny bit that she gave me every month.  It's hard for me to go see her every other weekend because of the gas cost and of course it is a day's activity, which means meals away from home, unless I am going to pack a lunch for myself and my daughter. I cannot take mother out to eat unless I have extra money, we are not allowed to use her credit card for even a meal.  I am told to take her shopping with her card for clothes and of course she is resistant at all ways when we have the time to do this, but that is the only thing I can use the card for so I am ordered.
I am not kept up to date on her health issues and they are doing things that I don't agree with but am not asked my opinion or told either.  I was her complete caregiver for 8 years and know intimately her health issues. Was told did you know that this was caused by????? YES I DID know I was there when it was diagnosed.
On the bright side, my mother is safe, she has gained weight and she is comfortable, albeit it a little mean, paranoid and the dementia rages on to the end.
She will be 90 in May and I wanted to give her a party with invites to relatives out of town, but that will not be allowed. Only a small party at the home. BLAH!
 Does it sound like we are children? Yes I am not a viable part of my mother's life anymore other than visiting her and taking her on unpleasant chores no one else wants to participate in now.

Conversations

Having conversations with Mother now is like talking to someone that hasn't learned how to put words together if that is possible to understand. What did you have for lunch today mother? " coconut " " real coconut" " real coconut on a ticket," on a ticket? "yes coconut scooped on a thing spread out on ticket."  What are you doing mother? " I am trying to find something you put on, on top of your clothes." A coat? "NO,"  A sweater? " "no" "something that keeps your clothes from being seen."  Well mother what have you done today? " went to church, and then to that place where they come and go and then go back in the back and do things and then they bring you that stuff." A restaurant?  " well you might call it that, but it's where they come and ask you something and then leave again and then bring you something to eat."  I am glad she is not mad at my brother and his wife anymore, evidently he took her to open a new checking account, and she thinks she can have anything she wants now.  She could have had anything she wants before, she just didnt beleive it.  So Tony and you are friends again? " oh yes, he did the nicest thing and he brought me some things I wanted."  did he bring you depends? " no what is that?" "I don't wear depends."  well lets talk about something else mother, " like what? horse piss?"
Frankly the lack of current affairs in her life is making her worse, no tv that works, no conversations with people that have day to day life experiences to share with her, is making her lose what ability to talk and carry on a conversation in the present time that she might have had before.
horse piss really????

Time has passed..

November 8th my mother was moved from my house to her new home. Assisted living, 2 hours away.  It's been a long month for both of us. She is angry, homesick, more confused, did I mention angry? Yes it's all normal for someone with dementia to have a set back when they have been totally moved from their enviroment and everything they " know" as normal.  She talks out of her head, repeats the things she is angry about constantly, sits and just stews about the hurts. She has stopped talking to my brother, he has stolen her money and won't give her any. She refuses to go to church with him, she refuses to talk to him or his wife at all now. She won't go anywhere they want her to go, won't do anything for them.  I am sorry that she has imagined that he has wronged her, and that their relationship is not good at this point. But he has ruined our relationship as well, over this move. He has accused me of stealing from my mother, he assumes he doesn't need to share anything going on with her, he doesn't let me know what is going on, hasn't read the 8 pages I printed with her ailments, details about her life, her surgeries, her dr appt's needed, etc.  I know I am told he is taking care of her now, but to call her on the phone and hear her talking only about her anger with him, and what he has done, imagined or not, just hurts my heart. I cannot help her, soothe her, or give her peace of mind. I went to see her yesterday and she just talks tight-lipped about her relationship with him. I tried to reason with her about seeing her great grandson, and how that she can only do this through her son. She doesn't care.  Her dementia has allowed her thoughts to flow from her mouth, even when they are inappropriate. She is in a good place, it's clean, but she fights being part of the society. She refuses to go to some of the activities, she thinks people are stealing her clothes. She believes her clothes are rags and that I brought her used clothes. She even said I brought her mens pants! 
My heart hurts that  I can't visit more often. My brother didn't want me to come last week on Sunday, since that is the " only day" he takes her out to eat, to church and to see her great grandson. So in spite of it being the only day I could go that week, I didn't go.  Of course, she is angry with him and didn't go. Did he call me and say come on up and see her? No, just a five minute call is too much.  Our relationship, mine and his, has deteriorated so much that I won't be spending Christmas day with my family.  I am hurt and it doesn't seem to matter.  I have told him this, and nothing is worth fixing for him. 
Merry Christmas....

from zero to 60

From nothing to 60 is how my brother operates. He called me a week ago from today and said he was coming on the following Friday to inform mother that he was taking her to Assisted Living near him. He has decided that the assisted living I found near me, is a dump. He has decided that she has a bad taste in her mouth for it, which in reality, she will have a bad taste in her mouth for any of them. I wasn't told when he was planning the move. My brother's way of communicating is if you don't ask he don't tell. I know its bad grammar! lol ... I had to call twice to find out that he had planned to come on the following Tuesday to collect her and all her things. I was told to get her a TB test and pack all the things she needed by Tuesday. I didn't even discuss it with her on Friday, I brought it up on Saturday morning, and she wasn't even aware it was happening this soon, or the reality that it was a final move. She is under the impression that she is staying for just a few days and then coming home. No you are not coming home.  I have had to call and see what furniture she might be able to take, what exactly needs to go.. no one has the answer.  My sister in law attempted to say toothbrush,  really???? She needs a toothbrush?
I can't get her a TB test, she tests positive for it always, because she was exposed to TB when her father died from it.  So then get a chest xray.  I let him take her to get a chest xray when he came on Friday. He said they had to wait 2 hours. LOL Welcome to the world of waiting. My sister in law said that he was touched by my email asking for help. Which one? the 5th or the 6th? lol... I am a little bitter.
I spent the weekend packing and unpacking what she had gathered. She keeps saying they won't take her and all her stuff, they will send her home. I fixed pictures for her to take, went to Walmart 1000 times and took her shopping for clothes.  Thanks for the short notice.
I am happy she is going to be looked after, don't get me wrong, I am happy he made a decision and is helping somewhat.  This is like being an alcoholic, you can't just stop drinking overnight, my daughter and I have based all our thoughts the last 8 years, will mom like it, will mother be okay? we have to feed mother before, we need to make sure mother has this. It isn't something you can turn off overnight.
I wish her well, but she just said in 10 days I will be coming back just you wait and see.
Oh mother...