Conversations

Having conversations with Mother now is like talking to someone that hasn't learned how to put words together if that is possible to understand. What did you have for lunch today mother? " coconut " " real coconut" " real coconut on a ticket," on a ticket? "yes coconut scooped on a thing spread out on ticket."  What are you doing mother? " I am trying to find something you put on, on top of your clothes." A coat? "NO,"  A sweater? " "no" "something that keeps your clothes from being seen."  Well mother what have you done today? " went to church, and then to that place where they come and go and then go back in the back and do things and then they bring you that stuff." A restaurant?  " well you might call it that, but it's where they come and ask you something and then leave again and then bring you something to eat."  I am glad she is not mad at my brother and his wife anymore, evidently he took her to open a new checking account, and she thinks she can have anything she wants now.  She could have had anything she wants before, she just didnt beleive it.  So Tony and you are friends again? " oh yes, he did the nicest thing and he brought me some things I wanted."  did he bring you depends? " no what is that?" "I don't wear depends."  well lets talk about something else mother, " like what? horse piss?"
Frankly the lack of current affairs in her life is making her worse, no tv that works, no conversations with people that have day to day life experiences to share with her, is making her lose what ability to talk and carry on a conversation in the present time that she might have had before.
horse piss really????

Time has passed..

November 8th my mother was moved from my house to her new home. Assisted living, 2 hours away.  It's been a long month for both of us. She is angry, homesick, more confused, did I mention angry? Yes it's all normal for someone with dementia to have a set back when they have been totally moved from their enviroment and everything they " know" as normal.  She talks out of her head, repeats the things she is angry about constantly, sits and just stews about the hurts. She has stopped talking to my brother, he has stolen her money and won't give her any. She refuses to go to church with him, she refuses to talk to him or his wife at all now. She won't go anywhere they want her to go, won't do anything for them.  I am sorry that she has imagined that he has wronged her, and that their relationship is not good at this point. But he has ruined our relationship as well, over this move. He has accused me of stealing from my mother, he assumes he doesn't need to share anything going on with her, he doesn't let me know what is going on, hasn't read the 8 pages I printed with her ailments, details about her life, her surgeries, her dr appt's needed, etc.  I know I am told he is taking care of her now, but to call her on the phone and hear her talking only about her anger with him, and what he has done, imagined or not, just hurts my heart. I cannot help her, soothe her, or give her peace of mind. I went to see her yesterday and she just talks tight-lipped about her relationship with him. I tried to reason with her about seeing her great grandson, and how that she can only do this through her son. She doesn't care.  Her dementia has allowed her thoughts to flow from her mouth, even when they are inappropriate. She is in a good place, it's clean, but she fights being part of the society. She refuses to go to some of the activities, she thinks people are stealing her clothes. She believes her clothes are rags and that I brought her used clothes. She even said I brought her mens pants! 
My heart hurts that  I can't visit more often. My brother didn't want me to come last week on Sunday, since that is the " only day" he takes her out to eat, to church and to see her great grandson. So in spite of it being the only day I could go that week, I didn't go.  Of course, she is angry with him and didn't go. Did he call me and say come on up and see her? No, just a five minute call is too much.  Our relationship, mine and his, has deteriorated so much that I won't be spending Christmas day with my family.  I am hurt and it doesn't seem to matter.  I have told him this, and nothing is worth fixing for him. 
Merry Christmas....

from zero to 60

From nothing to 60 is how my brother operates. He called me a week ago from today and said he was coming on the following Friday to inform mother that he was taking her to Assisted Living near him. He has decided that the assisted living I found near me, is a dump. He has decided that she has a bad taste in her mouth for it, which in reality, she will have a bad taste in her mouth for any of them. I wasn't told when he was planning the move. My brother's way of communicating is if you don't ask he don't tell. I know its bad grammar! lol ... I had to call twice to find out that he had planned to come on the following Tuesday to collect her and all her things. I was told to get her a TB test and pack all the things she needed by Tuesday. I didn't even discuss it with her on Friday, I brought it up on Saturday morning, and she wasn't even aware it was happening this soon, or the reality that it was a final move. She is under the impression that she is staying for just a few days and then coming home. No you are not coming home.  I have had to call and see what furniture she might be able to take, what exactly needs to go.. no one has the answer.  My sister in law attempted to say toothbrush,  really???? She needs a toothbrush?
I can't get her a TB test, she tests positive for it always, because she was exposed to TB when her father died from it.  So then get a chest xray.  I let him take her to get a chest xray when he came on Friday. He said they had to wait 2 hours. LOL Welcome to the world of waiting. My sister in law said that he was touched by my email asking for help. Which one? the 5th or the 6th? lol... I am a little bitter.
I spent the weekend packing and unpacking what she had gathered. She keeps saying they won't take her and all her stuff, they will send her home. I fixed pictures for her to take, went to Walmart 1000 times and took her shopping for clothes.  Thanks for the short notice.
I am happy she is going to be looked after, don't get me wrong, I am happy he made a decision and is helping somewhat.  This is like being an alcoholic, you can't just stop drinking overnight, my daughter and I have based all our thoughts the last 8 years, will mom like it, will mother be okay? we have to feed mother before, we need to make sure mother has this. It isn't something you can turn off overnight.
I wish her well, but she just said in 10 days I will be coming back just you wait and see.
Oh mother...

just how did we get to this point?

My brother is putting the finishing touches on mother's money being put in a trust. I asked him why this was so important other than obvious, since she will have to go to assisted living. His answer was in case she gets married and the ole coot tries to get her money away from her.  Married? My brother obviously has no sense of reality where his mother is concerned why else would he make a statement like that? I emailed him this week, mentioning mother's foray with a new medicine, that left her incoherent, completely immobile for part of the day, no clear speech and just bewildered. Second email about the fact the assisted living spot has a private suite now available and she could move in very soon.  I got a one sentence email that said we are putting finishing touches on the trust and moving now wouldn't be a good idea. OH YEAH? no name no thanks for taking off work to stay with mother on thursday when she couldn't function, nothing about her health issues.  I write frequently to let him know what is going on and never hear a word.  Why does this frustrate me so, and why doesn't he care enough to do anything to help me? I recently signed 67 savings bonds, copied each of them, recorded them on official paper and mailed them off, registering the mail so it would arrive safely. Only thing he had to say was hurry up and get that money in the bank, and amazingly mother remembered I was working on this and has asked me several times when she was going to get her money. But last weekend she asked me who my mother was....
Dementia has had it's way with me for too long now, I am not liking it one bit.

More BUGS

Mother went to the Dr on Wednesday.  She never tells him anything anymore about what is wrong with her, new or old, I have to prod, and tell him what she has told me that bothers her this visit.  But she did have something to ask him about, she said " I am going to ask him about the bugs." ..... please don't mother, he will just think you are crazy, well I am going to ask him and see if he has them in his house.  So sure enough, he pops back in and she says well... " I want to know if you have little black bugs that hold on to each other and form a perfect circle in your toilet?" Her Dr is so very smart, very knowledgeable about things, he said well no and explained how older people get floaters in their eyes and they can even appear to wiggle making them think they have bugs.  She has found bugs in raisins, says they are packed under the sink, invading her cereal. In the cereal they were at the bottom of the sack and the bottom of her bowl after she had eaten all the cereal and just milk was left.  She said they are in my cereal too! He said has your daughter seen them? " NO, she doesn't believe me."  Well he said if someone else sees them, then they are real, otherwise they are not.  PFFFFFT she replied I am going to save some and bring them to you next time, he snickered and said well make sure they are the ones out of the cereal and not the toilet!! LOL He further told me this can be compulsive/ocd behavior and she might have to have drugs if she continues in this way.  She said you told him not to believe him so that's why he denied knowing they are at his house too.

Yelling...

Yelling, screaming, insults, bad words, cursing, threats, is not what I envisioned for my household after I got divorced.  I yell, my daughter yells, screams, almost curses but doesn't cause she knows she will get in trouble, mother yells, curses ( althought we never were allowed to think a curse word around her) and threatens.  The yelling starts between the two of them, soon as they lay eyes on each other morning, afternoon or night. I just cannot abide it, and yet I cannot control it.  I can't be here in the afternoons when my daughter gets home from school, and they are here alone. I can control it when I am here, but then it transfers to me from one of them. I understand my daughter being frustrated, it's very hard to be 17, selfish, and wanting life to be different, but it can't be because you have very certain restrictions.  Can't go away over night, can't be out late, must make sure nana has dinner, can't be truly spontaneous, can't always go to dinner when we want, etc.  She tries to help her Nana and she does alot for her, but her Nana sees it as trying to control her, make her less independent and fights like a wild woman.  Mother answers my daughter with a scream, with an insult last one was , " you should have been drowned in a pool of water when you were born."  She sputters, yells and almost cannot articulate at times she gets so angry.  I understand mother being frustated, her world is so much different than it was, she can't think, she can't remember, she can't see, she can't walk well, she is totally dependent on us for almost everything, including dialing the phone. Her independence is shredding before her eyes.   I yell to stop the two of them, that doesn't help. I feel really out of control and very very sad that our life has disintegrated into this kind of communication. It makes me go to my room instead of interacting with these two, I do this all the time even though I want to spend time with them, I cannot. I can't take the fighting,  alot of the time when I leave the area they tend to settle down, sometimes not. I get calls at work in the afternoon, SHE DOES THIS, I DO NOT I hear in the background... sighs..
The time is coming for a change and it will have to be sooner than later. We all deserve a better life.

BUGS BUGS BUGS

Bugs in the toliet, bugs on the wall, bugs falling on me in the shower, bugs in the sink, bugs on the counter. "MY bathroom is full of bugs." I am not sure how to convince my mother that she doesn't have a bathroom full of bugs.  SEE BUGS ON MY SOCKS.. no bugs on your socks that is lint. It won't even come off your socks, " THAT'S right the bugs are holding on." She scrubbed her toliet and said she got all the bugs, they form a ring in the toliet. I told her there wasn't bugs in there it was just a ring that forms in the toliet. She stuck her hand down in the water and up the hole where everything goes and rubbed and rubbed. I lost my cool, I yelled at her what in the hell are you doing? Why would you put your hand in that toliet and reach up there? she said she was stirring up the bugs.  she showed me her light switch that is on the wall beside her toliet. "SEE BUGS!" no bugs mom... Do I mention what it is? She turns over her booster seat on her toliet and says " SEE BUGS!" Do I mention what it is?
Okay, yes I do, it's poop, and yes it's nasty and yes it's terrible, but she has poop on the seat, poop on the light switch, poop on the sink in spots.  She also has a large chocolate bar in her bathroom and it has chocolate crumbles that fall on the sink. She has very bad eyesight and can't distinquish what she is looking at when I show her.  She doesn't believe that it is poop on anything, even when I wet toliet paper and scrub it off the seat and off the light switch and show her.
Is this dementia making her delusional? She has gone on about bugs for 3 months now and there are a few little bugs but they aren't forming a ring in her toliet and holding on to each other to be scrubbed out...
I wish I could handle this better, but I didn't handle it well.