Lottie and Don on her 90th brithday.

Phase 2

She ran away on Tuesday. Actually left the by the dining room door, which leads to a walking track. She went around the end of the building and into the front parking lot, which leads to a short driveway out to the heavy congested 5 lane street.  They said they were " watching " her. 
She shuffles her feet, it would take her some time to make this trip around the building.
 She gets out of breath easily. It was 80 degrees or more. I am sure she had on long sleeves.  
She wouldn't come in for 20 minutes after they found her. They said she had a pair of pants, a hair pic and a 3 inch hunting knife on her. I was asked if I had packed the knife for her, which of course all dementia patients receive one on leaving their family home. duh...
She was determined to leave. 
She lives in an assisted living facility that obviously doesn't watch the residents like they should. They have other people with various degrees of Alzheimer's and Dementia that they shouldn't let around the end of the building as well. There should be a fence.
She was told unless she had a sitter 24/7 then she had 24 hours to get out of the home she has had for 10 months now. 
She was sure they were laughing at her.
She was sure one of the aides didn't like her, and she was sure she didn't like her back.
She was moved to a hospital on Wednesday at noon, I wasn't notified by anyone of the conditions or the ultimatums until 9:30 Wednesday evening.
She had to stay in the hospital 3 days and then she could go to rehab for 3 weeks if they found something wrong with her. 
She has nothing wrong with her except her brain doesn't work like it should.
She will not go to rehab, but to a respite room in the new facility.
She was to be placed in a new facility, found in the 24 hours by her son and daughter in law ( before they were my brother and sister in law, now they are hers.)
She is to be under lock down, wear a bracelet, be monitored, and in a unit with 12 others like herself. 
She might never see the rest of the new building, unless she is taken by me I suppose or one of the people in her unit.
I am supposed to go set up her room, but this won't happen because I am going to help my daughter buy a car this weekend nearby the new place and will not have time or energy to set up the room. 
There are no give backs, you take her, she is yours. 
I have read reports online that the new facility might be understaffed and that patients are left waiting on issues that perhaps with more help, wouldn't happen. This was not researched by either her son or daughter in law.
The afore mentioned relatives can now go on a vacation they said it is a priority to go on, since it has been planned for over a year. I on the other hand didn't have a vacation in 8 years of care in my home. 
Bon Voyage.
Her 85 year old brother is very upset that no one will be available for her orientation into a new facility and the response was too bad, he can come take care of her. He lives far away in another state and is 85 of course. 
At the end of the day, once again she is safe but her mental decline will be swifter with the changes, confusion and stress.

Out of The Loop

Out of the loop is where I am at this moment.  After taking care of my mother for the last 10 years of her life, I no longer am entitled to know if she is hurt, sick or in trouble. I haven't been able to get my mother on the phone for over a week. I finally got her on the phone last night, Sunday.  She said she had been trying to get to the phone, when she got there it was empty and she started crying. This breaks my heart. A Saturday a week ago, I called her room and some aide answered the phone and said mother couldn't talk, she was sitting in her chair with a warm compress on her shoulder.  I was worried, so I called my brother. He informed me that they had indeed taken her to the dr and had xrays. She had said someone in the home "roughed" her up, but I know that didn't happen.  He said they hadn't gotten the results, as the Dr. left before he could read them. WHAT? I asked him to call me with the results. Later in the week after not hearing from anyone, I called and my sister in law informed me that my brother had sent me an EMAIL. EMAIL? YOU CAN'T CALL ME ?????? This is how far life has deteriorated between my brother and myself. I read the email, tendonitis was suspected, she was to have a shot on Monday.  My daughter and myself were not invited up to see my niece and her family this July. They were here for a few days, and I have not even met my new grand niece who is now about 15 months old. I called my brother's house on July 4th and asked my sister in law about my mother and how was her day ( I knew my niece was flying in that day,) going and she said just fine for both. No mention of them or would we like to come up. Plenty of pictures posted on our friend FACEBOOK for me to see some of the activities. Little did my sister in law know, my nephew's wife had already told me about them coming and some of the things they were planning, including a family picture. Did they include the great grandmother? NO.. They visited my mother at least but my niece's husband said my mother didn't recognize her granddaughter or the kids, and no photos were taken as their " phone" was broken.  All of this makes me sad. It depresses me.  On top of all of this my broker who handles my daughter's college fund reported to my brother and his wife that I had taken funds from the account. This goes against policy and as of today I am closing the account with someone that was a family friend and supporter to my mother. This is a breach of confidentiality and it's none of their business what I do with the money my parents left for my daughter. My father would want me to do what I needed to do with that money including paying for my a/c if that is the only money at my discretion. My brother hasn't inquired about my financial situation since my mother left. He hasn't asked about my mental health, my physical health or even about his niece. 
My daughter has days when it makes her very sad, that she has no family per se. My brother and his wife have no interest. My ex's family hasn't called my house 1 time in 9 years since our divorce to talk to her. Their niece, their granddaughter. sighs... 

Dignity...

This the face of Dementia... Someone lets her dress herself in anything, they don't comb her hair, they don't push her glasses up.. and then they take her picture. She has beautiful brown hair naturally, she has nice clothes, and she has some sense. I am not happy when people take pictures of my mother with her hair a mess, and mismatched clothes as if to say here she is now. This is not my mother's way of doing things, and she should be afforded the dignity of someone helping her dress a little better, helping her comb her hair, or not taking her picture. The only good thing about this picture is that it is my smiling mother mugging for the camera and she doesn't realize how she looks.  I can see the dementia lurking and it is progressing. But I love her even if her clothes don't match and her hair is a mess... miss you mom .. the real you ...

May 14, 2012. My mother was 90 yesterday which was a Monday. I saw her on Sunday, Mother's day. I told her ohhh about 6 times that Monday was her birthday and everytime her response was are you sure? I am positive it was long ago. I would tell her that she was going to be 90 and she said she's ready to die. I told her that her son and his wife, were planning a party for her on the 19th, and she said I won't be there I am going to die. I told her that her daughter in law would be very angry since I am sure she ordered a lovely cake from publix for her. ( am being facetious.) Told her that her brother was coming with his wife and one of his 8 kids. She said my brother??? do i have a brother? you mean Tony? I said no Tony is your son, ohhh she said. I said Don is your brother. She said I can't get a picture in my head of my brother. I said thats okay you will recognize him when you see him. She said you need to be there to say look mother here is Don! here is Babette... so I don't seem to look stupid.  My mother was born in 1922, prohibition, the depression, WW II, Korean War, Vietnam, all the others, TVs, electronics, indoor plumbing, just a myriad amount of inventions that she saw come into her life.  
I cannot imagine trying to conjure up a face of a loved one and not being able to do it. I cannot imagine wanting to say something and something entirely different comes out of your mouth and you either laugh or get mad about it. My mother turned 90 and while she has not always been the kindest person to me, she was better than her mother. She has now lived longer than anyone on her side of the family. She has a baby brother that is 85. 
The dementia worsens, her feet and ankles are swollen alot, she doesn't get near the exercise she did here in the house. No on is paying attention to this but me.  I wish I could win the lottery and then I could afford to buy a house with a wing just for her and someone to take care of her in the last part of her life. 
Happy Birthday Mother, I am glad you are still with us, even if you don't know all of us. 

Flickety Spinkey la louiesamafrado

Went to pick up mother yesterday to take her out for the day, and she started talking gibberish. This happened the last time as well. She started to the closet and said wholickedstampfridgerator, and my daughter and I just said that wasn't english. She turned to us and started laughing and said I can't talk! I said we know. As long as we stay in that assisted living facility she cannot talk. We took her out in the car and she started talking about trees, yes incessantly, but coherently. She talked about how she loved going out in the car and riding, looking at trees, yes trees again but again coherent.  She wanted to know where we were going. I said to a mall and she said ohhh good.  We had taken her to one before.  It was longer from the facility. On the way home, there was a wreck on the highway, so we had to use the gps to find an alternative route. It was near her dinner time and she started panicking. I told her that we had called ahead and I would get her something to eat on the way back. We were over a hour and half getting back. She started obsessing about the traffic, wanting to know where they were coming from, where they were going and why they were passing me.  The only problem with this was my nerves. It was very nerve wracking to try and find a way to go, and she just never stopped talking. My patience is just shot with that kind of thing and I am just so sorry that I wasn't as nice as I could be. I asked her to be quiet and of course she didn't. LOL   but I tried.  But the time we got back we had to turn around a couple of times looking for something for her to eat she was beside herself about where she was and when she was getting home.
Lesson learned, don't go too far, don't keep her out too long, and make sure she has something to occupy herself in the car next time.  I love my mother but I am not patient enough to take her far again.
I am sorry.

5 months

It's been five months since mother left to go to assisted living. Trying to do an update in my head. She has steadily gone downhill. Calling her on the phone is painful, she is wallowing in paranoia. She is convinced either another resident or one of the workers is stealing her clothes, her things and attempting to be mean to her everyday. She doesn't talk coherently, repeats herself and just doesn't have the right word for anything much come out of her mouth. I did convince her that I brought her clothes yesterday and they were hers from the house. She didn't like them, said they were rags but she agrees they are hers. That is a miracle! She did say they would be gone in 10 days or less because once the " others " saw them, they would steal them.  Took her to her favorite restaurant and she has never been there before in her life, and has never had a milkshake either. She doesn't remember that I was married for 23 years, or she had a son in law or what his name is, and I said that's okay.. lol .. She does believe Cody just appeared on the scene.
She calls her glasses " chicken glasses, " don't know what that means, couldn't get it out of her.
Financially it's been very tough on me with one weekend's  notice my brother took my mother and cut off the contribution she made to my income. It has been very difficult and would have been nicer to have some advance notice. I am losing my job in June, and it has been difficult to put any money away without the tiny bit that she gave me every month.  It's hard for me to go see her every other weekend because of the gas cost and of course it is a day's activity, which means meals away from home, unless I am going to pack a lunch for myself and my daughter. I cannot take mother out to eat unless I have extra money, we are not allowed to use her credit card for even a meal.  I am told to take her shopping with her card for clothes and of course she is resistant at all ways when we have the time to do this, but that is the only thing I can use the card for so I am ordered.
I am not kept up to date on her health issues and they are doing things that I don't agree with but am not asked my opinion or told either.  I was her complete caregiver for 8 years and know intimately her health issues. Was told did you know that this was caused by????? YES I DID know I was there when it was diagnosed.
On the bright side, my mother is safe, she has gained weight and she is comfortable, albeit it a little mean, paranoid and the dementia rages on to the end.
She will be 90 in May and I wanted to give her a party with invites to relatives out of town, but that will not be allowed. Only a small party at the home. BLAH!
 Does it sound like we are children? Yes I am not a viable part of my mother's life anymore other than visiting her and taking her on unpleasant chores no one else wants to participate in now.

Conversations

Having conversations with Mother now is like talking to someone that hasn't learned how to put words together if that is possible to understand. What did you have for lunch today mother? " coconut " " real coconut" " real coconut on a ticket," on a ticket? "yes coconut scooped on a thing spread out on ticket."  What are you doing mother? " I am trying to find something you put on, on top of your clothes." A coat? "NO,"  A sweater? " "no" "something that keeps your clothes from being seen."  Well mother what have you done today? " went to church, and then to that place where they come and go and then go back in the back and do things and then they bring you that stuff." A restaurant?  " well you might call it that, but it's where they come and ask you something and then leave again and then bring you something to eat."  I am glad she is not mad at my brother and his wife anymore, evidently he took her to open a new checking account, and she thinks she can have anything she wants now.  She could have had anything she wants before, she just didnt beleive it.  So Tony and you are friends again? " oh yes, he did the nicest thing and he brought me some things I wanted."  did he bring you depends? " no what is that?" "I don't wear depends."  well lets talk about something else mother, " like what? horse piss?"
Frankly the lack of current affairs in her life is making her worse, no tv that works, no conversations with people that have day to day life experiences to share with her, is making her lose what ability to talk and carry on a conversation in the present time that she might have had before.
horse piss really????