Monday, February 5, 2018

It's been 3 years, and on this side we still are raw. It's amazing wow something like this affects you. I fear everyday that I will get dementia or Alzheimer's. My uncle died from this type of dementia, it is within the realm of things for me to get it. I am now 59, my daughter has graduated from college, she is 23. She holds on to everything that was her Nana's. Little scraps of nothing, make up brushes that could have bacteria in them. LOL she is a pack rat. I find her doing things that I think are the things or way my mother would do them, I tell her she is channeling her Nana. She says things to me that my mother would say to hurt my feelings to do the same, not sure why. She also calls me " Nana," when she thinks I have actions like my mother. 
We do think back and remember funny things that she did and when we see people on tv or movies or in life doing the same we say they are " doing the Nana." 
Life goes on, my birthday is forever tainted by burying my mother that day. Not something that I will get over lightly if ever. My brother has had cancer now, my nephew has had a horrible event in his life with life changing results. That part of my family has now all moved to Arizona forever. I don't know if I will ever see my brother again. He is 73 and just old. I don't have the money to travel to Arizona, 4 days by car one way, and expensive to fly either way. We miss them even though we had a weird family relationship. I don't think my brother ever realized what picking that date means to me. He is not one to ponder anything like that too long. He claims he doesn't care what people think. 
We contribute to dementia charities, we wear the appropriate ribbons, and I pray everyday that I take after my father's side of this family. His sister is still all there at 95. My mother does have a brother that is well minded and he is 91. They always said he had a different father, but I think the dementia gene is on my mother's mathernal side. Her mother and aunt both had it. 
We had our dna done, and it would have been fun to share that with my mother, she would have gotten a kick out of that. Everyday things come along, and I think well Mother would.... yes she would have ...