Happy Birthday My Darling Daughter!

Happy Birthday my darling 15 year old. I know you are a social outcast. I know you are deprived culturally.  I know you don't own a cell phone, a driver's permit,  internet access, or a facebook account. I realize you aren't allowed to wander alone with friends aimlessly through malls, movie theaters and wherever you might just want to wander.  I know you have to be escorted to events and picked up by people that I actually know.  I know you feel your life is just not as it should be and that I am the meanest mother on the earth.
Guess what? you will survive this and you will love me again wholeheartedly when you reach the other side of this me time in your life.
What you don't realize is that I love you more than life, love you unconditionally even when you speak in tones not fit for dogs and tell me repeatedly that you hate me. I waited 14 years to have you and I take my job as a  mother seriously.  One of the reasons I divorced was to make sure you learned that a loveless exsistence is not necessary and that love can be found in different ways if it's not available in the regular way.  You don't know it but there isn't anything I wouldn't try and do for you if possible.
I know that your birthday was not spectacular by your friend's standards, but we did have fun. Cosmic bowling at 11pm and then to Steak and Shake afterwards was a good night. You received several cards, money and presents from friends and had lunch with three friends on your birthday. I bought you some very needed clothes for your birthday as well and we had dinner out at one of your favorite restaurants.
What disappoints me at this point in life, is that nothing is enough.  You are not happy with what you have, have received or might get later.  I feel I have failed to make you understand the basic thing in life, is that if someone has thought of you, then you are better off. Just because it is not EVERYONE you are expecting, some is better than none. Just because you don't have everything that everyone else has, doesn't mean you are deprived, or a loser. You have love and you will always have that from me.
I love you dearly, let's hope we survive the " ME " years without many more tears.
xoxoxox your mother

Don't You Think We Need a Man Around Here?

Don't you think we need a man around here? Don't you like men? " What do we need a man for Mother?" Well, just to do stuff and I want to hug one. Hug one???? You are 87 ... We go to the grocery stores and I catch her looking at men and staring and almost following them if they are handsome.  She stares at them, if they say hello, she smiles and says hello in her very seductive 87 year old voice.  My mother must be having a hormonal upswing. She has never voiced the fact that she " wants " a man . She was married to my father for 58 years when he passed away. He was the love of her life. Perhaps now after 9 years, she is ready? LOL .. I've read stories of late in llife loves, but I am not sure of anyone who is willing to take on someone with incoming dementia. Someone that might not be able to remember your name in the morning or why the hell you are there!!!
Course I would love to have a man in the house, one for me to whisper at night to, have to giggle with then she does something silly, and one to lean on, one to love and call my own. We could also use a handyman, cause face it working full time I rarely have time to do all the little things around the house that a man could instinctly know how to do in seconds.
Happy Thanksgiving Mother!
If I could find you a man, I would ! Right after I find myself one.

PMS and the Reluctant Teenager

She's about to be 15. She has only had one cycle and now full force gale winds hit, hurricane teenager strikes and she is off the chain, lost in PMS. Do you think maybe you are yelling your head off because you are having PMS ? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Do you think that huge zitus eruptus on your chin is because of PMS? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Can you quit yelling at your nana???? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Twenty times in one day I had to say what is the matter with you, quit picking on that old woman. NOOOOOOOOOO !!!! Do you have home work ? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!! Do you want to jump off a cliff? LOL What is there to say. Course 3 days later, 3 headaches later, and 3 days of almost nonstop screaming she gets another cycle.
This will not happen again, she can go live with her father who doesn't want to even HEAR about a cycle and his daughter unless it has two wheels.
More the pity for him that it might just be what he needs to see the " real " world of teenagers. Thus far he has escaped this. We have been divorced 6 1/2 years and no constant irritation has gone his way.
Share and Share alike is what I say.. Right?

Hearing Aids?

Well the buzzing in my ears can be attributed to that concert where I stood about 3 feet away from Terrible Ted Nugent. Afterwards, I couldn't hear the rest of the night. I attended several very loud concerts. I attended alot of concerts that weren't so loud. Who doesn't wish they had seen Bruce Springsteen when it was $8.00 -- Elton John was $10.00 and he dressed in a duck suit! I saw alot of the greats of Rock and Roll but I am paying the price now. Although I have heard ( and read) buzzing and ringing in the ears can be attributed to diabetes, high blood pressure, and STRESS. Yes well I have all of those. All in control except for the STRESS.
Going to the dr and he says well you have significant hearing loss, if you want to hear while you are communicating with people you need hearing aids.
I'm 51, hearing aids are for the elderly, like the one I live with that is determined to rob me of the rest of my hearing by listening to the television turned sky high. So I can leave out the hearing aids when Im home alone and not communicating. I should wear ear plugs when my mother listens to television and its so loud the neighbors could hear it if we had the windows open. I should get a noise machine that " masks" noises that I hear in my head so I can sleep better at night.
Trust me, this is disappointing. One more thing that I don't want to consider or even deal with, but yet the buzzing in my ears is exhausting mentally.
Turn it down !!!!! Before you need hearing aids and you aren't out of high school yet! lol

I Can Eat Anything Anywhere You Go...

Two summers ago, she said she was tired of cooking. She had taken it upon herself to cook an evening meal for the 3 of us. I don't blame her, hell if I was 85 I wouldn't want to cook either anymore. I would buy the food, plan the menu and she cooked. So I took over the cooking, she would do the dishes afterwards. Why are there so many dishes? " use the dishwasher mother." Then we were banned from using the dishwasher because it used too much water. ( Okay I pay for the water and the dishwasher was in my house.) This dishwasher doesn't run properly, it just runs and runs and runs... Okay Mother. I started planning the meals, cooking the food and NOW I'm doing the dishes or having the teenager help with the dishes part. What would you like to eat mother? Anything you fix.. Well that's not exactly true. Pork chops are too tough, she chews and chews. Hamburger helper, Manwich, Baked Beans, macaroni and cheese, corn,
turkey burgers, the list grows.
After her kidney surgery in February, her taste buds must have been removed as well. She doesn't like BBQ, she doesn't like Chinese, she doesn't like Greek, Mexican she hates, she loathes Cracker Barrel ( a restaurant.) Salads, Fried Chicken and Potato/Leek Soup are about it. Tonight I come in from taking her to the Dr, put on potatoes to make potato salad, heat up her FRIED CHICKEN, saute cooked green beans with garlic, make her a lettuce salad and she asks as always " Can I help? "
Nope there isn't room for the two of us. " Well you never want my help." Last night I asked her to wash lettuce and she said she doesn't like washing lettuce. I've worked alone in the kitchen since I was early married, and have become used to doing things myself. Dinner's ready, come sit down Mother.. I don't want to sit down. Here put this on the table, " OK."
As I'm fixing dinner, I am doing dishes because she doesn't like doing the dishes, has severe back pain and she needs to not stand up. After dinner is over, the teen puts everything in the dishwasher and nothing is to be finished, and still she makes water to wash what???? NOTHING? There is nothing to wash mother.. "YOU EXCLUDE ME FROM EVERYTHING." Could it be I was trying to do things to help you Mother? " YOU THINK I HAVE NO SENSE TO DO ANYTHING." Could it be that I don't want you to have to stand up and wash dishes? "YOU JUST DONT WANT ME TO DO ANYTHING, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON DOWN THE PIKE."
No thanks for dinner, no thanks for planning dinner, no thanks for doing the dishes, no thanks for working all day and taking her to the dr.
Please don't think I will get stars in my crown. I don't want a crown of stars. ...

Again and Again...

If you talk ugly to your Nana, about your Nana or in front of your Nana, I will not take you to the ballgame. Eye rolling, sighing heavily and then she slips, the comments come rolling out. Call your father. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO a fate worse than death, being seen with her father, but of course she never learns that I mean what I say. Instead of being upset that I didn't eat dinner, so I wouldn't have to " potty " at the ballgame, Instead of being upset about putting her father out at the last minute, she is still worried about her outfit. She spent approximately 3 hours this past week worrying about what she was wearing each and everyday to school. It was homecoming week, and everyday was a special dressing day. Past,Future,Present. Spirit Day. Character Day. Tacky Day. Opposite Day.
If she spent as much time being nice to her Grandmother or doing her homework or studying she would be making straight A's and enjoying her Grandmother more.
When teenagers get to a certain age they should remember somethings by themselves, but it appears they revert to toddlerhood and so you must repeat everything you say over and over ... take out the trash, study, hang up your clothes, get out of the shower, take your medicine, study, quit talking so rudely, put your shoes away, pick up your lunchbox, put away your books, on and on... Just like a toddler ( except toddler's don't study.)
I'm aware it's a time of immense selfishness, but it doesn't make it any easier. I would like to know how this helps in later life. I for one, don't remember having this luxury and I think I turned out fairly okay.

Did you Study?

Do you need to study biology? NO... Do you need to study AP? NO... Do you have tests coming up you need to study for? NO... oh I have a test tomorrow but I know it all. Test Score 77 .. Obviously you do not know it all. Did you have a test in Biology? No.. Quiz score 63 .. Well you didn't ask if I had a quiz to study for did you? Well no.. Well you are grounded because you need to split hairs and won't study. Round and Round and Round we go, if we don't use the exact words then the whole thing is circumvented.
I told my friends that you grounded me they think it's ridiculous. I am a social outcast, no cell phone, no facebook, and now I am grounded. Best party of the year and I can't go. No you can't.
New Week- Do you need to study Biology? No. Do you need to study AP? NO..
Any tests coming up? No... we are starting new chapter. But I do have science fair project that is behind, research report on ocelots and who has time to read? Read a book?
Do we all have to "push" so hard to get our kids to do the right things when it comes to schoolwork? Should I just let her fail and go back to "general population?" Her father suggests we just let her sink, but then he doesn't live here, he doesn't push her to do work, he doesn't even know what her grades are when she gets them.
Being in the middle of 87 year old and a budding 15 year old, is not the most enviable position to be in at the moment.
No wonder I have an eye twitch .. LOL

Patience is a Virtue

Patience is a Virtue... I don't remember who taught me that, except I am sure I've heard every idiom every uttered from someone's mouth or text. Even the ones they attribute to Socrates. I think he went to school with my mother. I have spent countless hours in doctor's offices listening patiently to the Dr.'s explaining what is wrong with my mother, what can be remedied, what needs to be done, what cannot be fixed, what might happen, what will happen, what to expect, what to think about, and what to learn about exploring on the internet. Today we visited the oral surgeon, where 3 months ago, she was examined for a " spot " in her mouth. She has said repeatedly that the Dr. did NOT look into her mouth, did NOT see the spot that he was supposed to see. Told the nurse today what she said, and of course I got in trouble. Ever feel like you are 10 when you are actually 51? It's not really a good feeling, and getting a tongue lashing while waiting in a room for a Dr., isn't the ideal spot either. Well he came in smiling and she said after he left, I know that nurse told him what you said and see he was laughing at us. I said not us! lol ... uhmmm
I have learned patience, but I haven't learned yet to keep my mouth closed, but I am working on it. I promise I will do better.
or not...

Where is my stuff?????

Last weekend was my mother's grandson's wedding. The 2nd one. He had gotten married at the courthouse in July. This was a wedding for the " family. " .. After stewing for weeks the saturday before the wedding arrived. Mother wanted me to do her hair, her nails and she wanted to get a new jacket. Just one particular jacket. She never shops anymore, she doesn't walk well enough, won't get a wheelchair and refuses to use her walker inside the stores. We got the jacket, she even purchased a new necklace, and the almost 15 year old got a new dress. Home to do hair. " if you make me look stupid I'm going to change it," I've been doing her hair for special events for 6 years now. She likes the hair.. Okay mother... Nails next, lovely color but " why does it take so long? " I have things I have to do... and ends up sitting in the chair for 3 hours after they have dried. So the evening comes, she is getting things in order. Comes into the den and in a panic says ... " I CANNOT FIND MY PANTS," okay I'm coming.. next I hear, " I CANNOT FIND MY MONEY, I USED IT TODAY AND HAVE TO REPLACE IT FOR THE TRIP," okay I'm coming mother. Next yes you guessed it... " I CANNOT FIND MY WALLET OR MY DIAMOND RING," ...
Found it all. The pants were on the hanger on the door knob behind the new jacket, the wallet was on a night table, and the money was tucked away in the shoe holder on the door where it was hidden last. The diamond ring was in the jewels on the vanity table top where it lives. All was calm...
Next morning we get up to go to the wedding.. 166 miles away.. She's been up since 3 am well you can sleep in the car. NO WAY I have to pay attention to the road. We get to the wedding, realizing all the fluffing, polishing, and new jacket was for moot, we were in redneck hell.
Dementia has a way of making you lose things in plain sight, this is a daily occurance for us, and stress causes it to be worse. But it was amusing for her the next day and she did laugh at the lost pants.
I love her.

Perpetually Forgotten

Perhaps there should be a online club where you can send someone a card that signs up because no one else in their life can remember to do it.  Would we forget as well?? and then disappoint them again? It sounded like a good idea in my head, but then there might be a reason that they are forgotten. They are not nice people, they don't remember anyone else, they smell funny, who knows what makes people do the things they do...
My birthday was not a disappointment except that only 2 online friends remembered and not a soul that lives in my city or is considered a non family member remembered.  My daughter got a card for her nana to give to me and this year mother remembered to sign it love mom,, not love your daughter as she did the year before.  She also said she was NOT paying to take me out to dinner, since she had already given me a gift of clothes a few weeks before.  We had a nice dinner, except she wasn't happy with the choice, well or the seats, they were wooden and she has no fat on her bottom.. Well or the lighting she couldn't see the menu but otherwise, well okay she didn't like the food or the atmosphere, and why are the girls wearing robes? Well its a Japanese Restaurant.  "I've had chinese but im not sure about Japanese" .. been many times to different japanese restaurants. All in All it was uhmmm an okay birthday. Perhaps some day I will meet a man that loves birthdays and indulges me on mine. Would be nice to be remembered on the day that you were born...
Back to that online club, if we just got two people to surprise.. think how much nicer their day would be ...

Birthdays

On the eve of my 51st Birthday, I realize that they just aren't special anymore. My ex makes the biggest deal out of delving out money to my daughter so she can buy me a small gift. Should I take money from his child support and give it to her to buy one for me? Should I take her shopping also? My mother, bless herself, always made a big deal out of my birthday. She told it was the ONLY day of the year that was entirely yours, and you earned a good time. She told me Happy Birthday on the phone today while I was at work, I said it's tomorrow Mother, she said take it while you can get it.... lol .. I had planned to do something that I really enjoy tomorrow, but my mother's son is appearing at her house, which happens to be my house. She is worried she will have to talk to " those people" without me. With her dementia, she rarely initiates or carries through with conversations with other people around. She simple sits and smiles as if she is already visiting dementia land without us, which is simply not the case.
Happy Birthday to me, I'm thinking I will get a cocktail somewhere during the day to appease my selfish thinking that it should still be a special day. Cheers!

A New Day

The queen as I call my mother is not well. She is taking treatments to prevent her bladder cancer from reoccuring. She is having the drug BCG injected directly into her bladder once a week for 6 weeks. The drug BCG is what the innoculation for tuberculosis is made from. Her doctor reassured us that in 20 years, he has had 5 people with side effects from this treatment. Make that 6. She is lethargic, has joint aches, muscle soreness.  She can't even make her breakfast for 4 hours after she gets up in the morning. So, then she doesn't eat near the amount of food she should during the day.  She is very active and hates to be restricted to a chair....The sad thing is that with her dementia, she doesn't remember why she feels this way, or what caused it in the first place. 
 On the bright side, when she does feel like getting up, I now have a new car to take her to her appointments. Thanks to her generosity, I have used some of my inheritance to get a new car.  A shiny blue honda civic.

2,953,400 Minutes

6 years in November - minus 1 week at her son's house. Minus 6 weeks hospital time, minus 8 weeks rehab, and  minus 4 weeks of rehab before. Let's add that up.. 312 weeks total minus 19 weeks equals 293 weeks.  2051 days, 49, 224 hours, but that is not accurate as most of the weeks of the hospital stay we were together 16 of each 24 hour day.  Okay that means, 2,953,400 minutes we have been together, give or take a few.
when do you start trusting someone that what they say is the truth?  My mother is graciously helping me buy a new car, but she had to call my brother while I was gone getting her amended tax papers, to ask if she really had the money I said she had.  I was then told to call my brother, who apparently thinks I need his permission to do anything concerning our mother. See his time spent in 6 years above ...
Dementia invites  paranoia, but I've been waiting for trust for my whole life. Maybe in the next one!

Join the Debate Team...

PMS strikes the young with the amazing ability to keep talking without ceasing for hours on end, enraging not only the people in the household but I'm sure the weeds in the yard from noxious talk.  The 14 1/2 year old cannot quit arguing, commenting or making a viscious attack to everything in her pathway, including her grandmother. Her grandmother does her chores for her, her grandmother " forgets " they are someone else's chores for money.  PMS and dementia are not kissing cousins, they are more like rival stepsisters in Cinderella. Both wanting their equal time to vent and be dealt with.  When I was younger we weren't allowed to talk back, argue or comment without ceasing. You "just knew" that it would end in you getting in massive trouble.  While I don't want my daughter afraid of speaking her mind, waiting for her to " temper" her thoughts might just drive me to sewing her mouth shut until it happens.

Apparently it just broke....

It's Monday, August 31, 2009 ... Walked into my house, exhausted and the first thing I hear is "NANA broke the ceiling fan." She pulled the string out that turns off the lights. My teen is holding the long chain in her hands. Are the lights off? Well of course not, have they unscrewed the bulbs? Well of course not.. Nana didn't mean to break the fan, she hasn't got alot of feeling in her fingers, she has Reynauds Syndrome, her fingertips are mostly numb. Her hands turn blue when cold, red like a lobster when hot and if you squeeze them they get white. She pushes the buttons on the oven so hard they almost refuse to participate..

Tomorrow is another day, and if you know how to get a chain back in the light fixture without purchasing a new one, let me know.

Life In The Sandwich Generation

I never dreamt I would be in this place at this time in my life. Divorced, raising a teenager, balancing a full time job, and raising my 87 year old mother who is slipping into dementia.
Gentle into the goodnight, is not the phrase for her.
Each day is full of surprises, laughs and some tears.
I will be posting the good things and the funny things ( which is how we choose to look at many things in my household), and the disappointments.