Our Visit with Mother on Sunday

Mother was sitting at her lunch table ready to eat when Cody and I walked in to see her. She looked at me, and I never speak till she recognizes me, and she looked and looked and then started sobbing. She said I haven't seen you in so long, I said yes I know. I felt really bad about this but then again I felt okay she knew me and knew it had been some time. I have been told she knows no one. But she does know me and she pushed me out of the way to see if Cody was with me and needed a hug from her. Mother was with us mostly that Sunday. She didn't want to continue eating but I persuaded her with cody and I sitting next to her. We went to her room afterwards and I polished her nails, fixed her hair, ( why must she always look like a chicken?) rubbed lotion on her arms and her back and talked to her. Most of the time she had a horrible time saying some words but she listened to what we were saying. I called her brother after convincing her she had a brother and she talked to him, but repeated over and over I haven't seen you in so long, please come to see me. He has now retired at 85 and appears to be going down hill. His daughter has said he is getting confused about things. He loves talking to Mother though, and so I insist she try and talk to him and she does. This time before I could hang up she said WHO WAS THAT MAN? lol... How quickly we forget who and what. My nephew's wife came and brought my mother's great grandson. They come very frequently, so mother knows who he is if not exactly he belongs to her. She is very familiar with him. She got very nervous with us all in her " room. " Evidently they sit with him out in the big room, which as much energy as he has, we will also the next time we see them. Mother wandered out of the room and I found her sitting out in the other room just talking away, showing off her nails.  I explained she either came back, we came out or I was leaving. She quickly got up. Leaving was as hard as coming this time, she sobbed and clung to me and Cody not wanting us to go. I explained I had to work, do laundry, etc and we would be back. But leaving with her crying is very hard. She misses us clearly even though she probably didn't remember that night that we had been there. That is my only relief in having her where she is, she doesn't remember. 

Christmas 2012

Mom at Christmas 

this is my mother who you can see the light doesn't 

quite fill her like it use to do and with her granddaughter Cody

who she does remember just not her name! lol 

Today is February 16, 2013. I haven't seen my mother in over a month. I have been sick several times since Christmas, and we have had obligations that haven't let us get up to see her. Part of the trouble with living so far away. It has to be a planned "day" adventure. My brother hasn't called me with updates, or news which is normal. My nephew's wife goes to see her frequently and takes her 3 year old son to see mother and I can only imagine how happy that makes her. My brother did accidentally call me last Sunday and if I hadn't asked how mother was, he wouldn't have said. I just totally do not understand how some people can be so indifferent, cold or non reacting to other peoples eagerness to be involved. It is as if we are not brother and sister, but perhaps just two acquaintances involved in taking care of this person that doesn't bind us together just that we have to take care of together. My brother did say after prompting that mother is getting worse, they say she's " contrary" well hell she's been "contrary" all of her life. Getting worse is part of dementia, oh wait, they don't know about what dementia causes or affects. My sister in law still refers to it as Alzheimer's and it is not. This is old age senile dementia which the others in her family had as well. There is a fine line, but it is different. He says she thinks he is her dad, maybe he looks like him I don't know. We have never seen a picture. I do know that after one year of taking care of my mother in an assisted living facility which does that count truly as " care?" they had to take a trip to Disney World to rest themselves or reward themselves for a difficult year in having to move mother once because she ran away (more to come later on this) or having to make so many phone calls. My sister in law did mention she had spent hours on the phone lol... lol lol yes you have to do this sometimes. But I did mention yes I knew how taxing it was to take care of her since she lived with me physically for 8 years and was with me 24/7 and I never took a trip to Disney World or was offered one minute of respite from the constant care she required. My daughter and I put our lives on hold, my daughter was 9 and she was 17 when her grandmother left. We lost many years of fun activities that we might have been able to enjoy together, but we did what we had to do. I was amused they had to go to the busiest place on earth at Christmas to relax. I told my sister in law please have a wonderful time you have earned it.  I spit afterward .. lol 
I am seeing my mother tomorrow, I do hope she will remember us, a month when someone is in the shape and place she is in, could make a huge difference. She will be 91 in May. 

Lottie and Don on her 90th brithday.

Phase 2

She ran away on Tuesday. Actually left the by the dining room door, which leads to a walking track. She went around the end of the building and into the front parking lot, which leads to a short driveway out to the heavy congested 5 lane street.  They said they were " watching " her. 
She shuffles her feet, it would take her some time to make this trip around the building.
 She gets out of breath easily. It was 80 degrees or more. I am sure she had on long sleeves.  
She wouldn't come in for 20 minutes after they found her. They said she had a pair of pants, a hair pic and a 3 inch hunting knife on her. I was asked if I had packed the knife for her, which of course all dementia patients receive one on leaving their family home. duh...
She was determined to leave. 
She lives in an assisted living facility that obviously doesn't watch the residents like they should. They have other people with various degrees of Alzheimer's and Dementia that they shouldn't let around the end of the building as well. There should be a fence.
She was told unless she had a sitter 24/7 then she had 24 hours to get out of the home she has had for 10 months now. 
She was sure they were laughing at her.
She was sure one of the aides didn't like her, and she was sure she didn't like her back.
She was moved to a hospital on Wednesday at noon, I wasn't notified by anyone of the conditions or the ultimatums until 9:30 Wednesday evening.
She had to stay in the hospital 3 days and then she could go to rehab for 3 weeks if they found something wrong with her. 
She has nothing wrong with her except her brain doesn't work like it should.
She will not go to rehab, but to a respite room in the new facility.
She was to be placed in a new facility, found in the 24 hours by her son and daughter in law ( before they were my brother and sister in law, now they are hers.)
She is to be under lock down, wear a bracelet, be monitored, and in a unit with 12 others like herself. 
She might never see the rest of the new building, unless she is taken by me I suppose or one of the people in her unit.
I am supposed to go set up her room, but this won't happen because I am going to help my daughter buy a car this weekend nearby the new place and will not have time or energy to set up the room. 
There are no give backs, you take her, she is yours. 
I have read reports online that the new facility might be understaffed and that patients are left waiting on issues that perhaps with more help, wouldn't happen. This was not researched by either her son or daughter in law.
The afore mentioned relatives can now go on a vacation they said it is a priority to go on, since it has been planned for over a year. I on the other hand didn't have a vacation in 8 years of care in my home. 
Bon Voyage.
Her 85 year old brother is very upset that no one will be available for her orientation into a new facility and the response was too bad, he can come take care of her. He lives far away in another state and is 85 of course. 
At the end of the day, once again she is safe but her mental decline will be swifter with the changes, confusion and stress.

Out of The Loop

Out of the loop is where I am at this moment.  After taking care of my mother for the last 10 years of her life, I no longer am entitled to know if she is hurt, sick or in trouble. I haven't been able to get my mother on the phone for over a week. I finally got her on the phone last night, Sunday.  She said she had been trying to get to the phone, when she got there it was empty and she started crying. This breaks my heart. A Saturday a week ago, I called her room and some aide answered the phone and said mother couldn't talk, she was sitting in her chair with a warm compress on her shoulder.  I was worried, so I called my brother. He informed me that they had indeed taken her to the dr and had xrays. She had said someone in the home "roughed" her up, but I know that didn't happen.  He said they hadn't gotten the results, as the Dr. left before he could read them. WHAT? I asked him to call me with the results. Later in the week after not hearing from anyone, I called and my sister in law informed me that my brother had sent me an EMAIL. EMAIL? YOU CAN'T CALL ME ?????? This is how far life has deteriorated between my brother and myself. I read the email, tendonitis was suspected, she was to have a shot on Monday.  My daughter and myself were not invited up to see my niece and her family this July. They were here for a few days, and I have not even met my new grand niece who is now about 15 months old. I called my brother's house on July 4th and asked my sister in law about my mother and how was her day ( I knew my niece was flying in that day,) going and she said just fine for both. No mention of them or would we like to come up. Plenty of pictures posted on our friend FACEBOOK for me to see some of the activities. Little did my sister in law know, my nephew's wife had already told me about them coming and some of the things they were planning, including a family picture. Did they include the great grandmother? NO.. They visited my mother at least but my niece's husband said my mother didn't recognize her granddaughter or the kids, and no photos were taken as their " phone" was broken.  All of this makes me sad. It depresses me.  On top of all of this my broker who handles my daughter's college fund reported to my brother and his wife that I had taken funds from the account. This goes against policy and as of today I am closing the account with someone that was a family friend and supporter to my mother. This is a breach of confidentiality and it's none of their business what I do with the money my parents left for my daughter. My father would want me to do what I needed to do with that money including paying for my a/c if that is the only money at my discretion. My brother hasn't inquired about my financial situation since my mother left. He hasn't asked about my mental health, my physical health or even about his niece. 
My daughter has days when it makes her very sad, that she has no family per se. My brother and his wife have no interest. My ex's family hasn't called my house 1 time in 9 years since our divorce to talk to her. Their niece, their granddaughter. sighs... 

Dignity...

This the face of Dementia... Someone lets her dress herself in anything, they don't comb her hair, they don't push her glasses up.. and then they take her picture. She has beautiful brown hair naturally, she has nice clothes, and she has some sense. I am not happy when people take pictures of my mother with her hair a mess, and mismatched clothes as if to say here she is now. This is not my mother's way of doing things, and she should be afforded the dignity of someone helping her dress a little better, helping her comb her hair, or not taking her picture. The only good thing about this picture is that it is my smiling mother mugging for the camera and she doesn't realize how she looks.  I can see the dementia lurking and it is progressing. But I love her even if her clothes don't match and her hair is a mess... miss you mom .. the real you ...