Another Milestone

Another Milestone is about to happen, first day of school, last day of school pics. College will happen soon for us. She will be going away for at least the 1st year, but I suspect it will be the whole time. She has to live on campus the first year and I like that because she will be involved in the activities on the campus and that will help her be less homesick. And yes I anticipate her being homesick regardless of the independent front she puts on when around others. I know my sweet girl, and we are close, she will miss her house, her bed and her mama! It is so hard to believe that our time being together like before is almost over. It makes me sad, because one of my dreams always was to be a mother and a good one. I think I have done a good job, with all the adversity we have had and not that there is much compared to others, but we all have struggles at some point, any family, big or small they are ours to own. I hope she learns how to temper her temper and her opinions, she is about to be without my safety net to help her, not that I won't but it won't be the same at the end of the day to go over events and know how to do them differently next time or be proud you did the best you could. 
I will miss her and her laughter and our end of the day conversations, but I know she isn't far and won't be gone forever... yet.. 

Your mother is in the hospital!

"Your mother has been in the hospital since Thursday," said the caller on Sunday. In the hospital and no one called me? "Well we told them not to " bother" you after those last calls about doing blood work and they called you at work." How can they be bothering me to tell me that my mother had been admitted to the hospital? This call from my brother who was in South Dakota on vacation (yet again with the vacation,) came to me in while I was spending 4 days in Florida. I was going home on this Sunday but still was horribly upset that I hadn't been notified from the home she lives in until this call. I had added my name to a card that my sister in law has taped to a cabinet door in my mother's room because for some reason she doesn't think I should be added to the list of call these people!
 Early Monday morning after driving home from Florida on Sunday, I arrived at the hospital to find my mother in the middle of her " sunset syndrome" symptoms. She was folding the sheet and folding the sheet, saying she needed to get out of the hospital and go to the grocery, go to the house, just go anywhere. She clearly wasn't coherent too much other to note that she, "loved that girl over there," which was her granddaughter Cody. She had been admitted with a bad UTI and pneumonia slightly in one corner of a lung. They had been evaluating her for aspiration, thinking that she might not be swallowing correctly. She had a swallow test done several years ago and needed THICKIT added to all of her drinks. She hated it. I spoke with a social worker who was trying to set up her transportation home that day, her nurse, and the physical therapist for speech that was trying to finish her evaluation on swallowing.
Everything was cleared up, she could go home. Not with a pureed diet because frankly no one wants to eat that crap. The aide came in to take her blood pressure, mother started screaming it was burning her arm and she hit the lady on the arm 4 times with her balled up fist and then took the ladies thumb and twisted it until I could manage to pull her arm off. She then looked at me and said DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL, and shit, shit, shit, shit.  I have mentioned before my mother never cursed in her undementia lifetime. We decided she should go home in the ambulance because I was worried about getting caught in traffic and how she might react being in just a car. The ambulance didn't have windows. We all arrived back at the home and I had a nice chat with the Admin. He shook his head in agreement with everything I had to say to him and even his fingers shook. LOL... I warned him mother needed more fluids, more changes to her depends and to be cleaned up better. She only has one kidney, UTIs were bound to happen more often to her if not kept up better. I also told him they had ALWAYS BETTER CALL ME, even if they called my brother and his wife. He assured me I would be put on equal footing(???) with them and be called from now on.
Of course she was asleep when we got in her room to check on her and we left. I called my brother after he got home on Wednesday and they had talked to the home but apparently didn't feel I needed to be updated. This is an ongoing problem. 
My niece is now in town from Arizona and she has a two year old daughter Cody and I have never been invited to meet. I stipulated we wanted to meet her and spend some time with her, so we have been invited to " lunch " to meet her. Once again, my sister in law has decided how much time and where we get to sit with this little child and " get to know her."  How can you get to know a kid at a table? 
My family isn't much of a family. 

Our Visit with Mother on Sunday

Mother was sitting at her lunch table ready to eat when Cody and I walked in to see her. She looked at me, and I never speak till she recognizes me, and she looked and looked and then started sobbing. She said I haven't seen you in so long, I said yes I know. I felt really bad about this but then again I felt okay she knew me and knew it had been some time. I have been told she knows no one. But she does know me and she pushed me out of the way to see if Cody was with me and needed a hug from her. Mother was with us mostly that Sunday. She didn't want to continue eating but I persuaded her with cody and I sitting next to her. We went to her room afterwards and I polished her nails, fixed her hair, ( why must she always look like a chicken?) rubbed lotion on her arms and her back and talked to her. Most of the time she had a horrible time saying some words but she listened to what we were saying. I called her brother after convincing her she had a brother and she talked to him, but repeated over and over I haven't seen you in so long, please come to see me. He has now retired at 85 and appears to be going down hill. His daughter has said he is getting confused about things. He loves talking to Mother though, and so I insist she try and talk to him and she does. This time before I could hang up she said WHO WAS THAT MAN? lol... How quickly we forget who and what. My nephew's wife came and brought my mother's great grandson. They come very frequently, so mother knows who he is if not exactly he belongs to her. She is very familiar with him. She got very nervous with us all in her " room. " Evidently they sit with him out in the big room, which as much energy as he has, we will also the next time we see them. Mother wandered out of the room and I found her sitting out in the other room just talking away, showing off her nails.  I explained she either came back, we came out or I was leaving. She quickly got up. Leaving was as hard as coming this time, she sobbed and clung to me and Cody not wanting us to go. I explained I had to work, do laundry, etc and we would be back. But leaving with her crying is very hard. She misses us clearly even though she probably didn't remember that night that we had been there. That is my only relief in having her where she is, she doesn't remember. 

Christmas 2012

Mom at Christmas 

this is my mother who you can see the light doesn't 

quite fill her like it use to do and with her granddaughter Cody

who she does remember just not her name! lol 

Today is February 16, 2013. I haven't seen my mother in over a month. I have been sick several times since Christmas, and we have had obligations that haven't let us get up to see her. Part of the trouble with living so far away. It has to be a planned "day" adventure. My brother hasn't called me with updates, or news which is normal. My nephew's wife goes to see her frequently and takes her 3 year old son to see mother and I can only imagine how happy that makes her. My brother did accidentally call me last Sunday and if I hadn't asked how mother was, he wouldn't have said. I just totally do not understand how some people can be so indifferent, cold or non reacting to other peoples eagerness to be involved. It is as if we are not brother and sister, but perhaps just two acquaintances involved in taking care of this person that doesn't bind us together just that we have to take care of together. My brother did say after prompting that mother is getting worse, they say she's " contrary" well hell she's been "contrary" all of her life. Getting worse is part of dementia, oh wait, they don't know about what dementia causes or affects. My sister in law still refers to it as Alzheimer's and it is not. This is old age senile dementia which the others in her family had as well. There is a fine line, but it is different. He says she thinks he is her dad, maybe he looks like him I don't know. We have never seen a picture. I do know that after one year of taking care of my mother in an assisted living facility which does that count truly as " care?" they had to take a trip to Disney World to rest themselves or reward themselves for a difficult year in having to move mother once because she ran away (more to come later on this) or having to make so many phone calls. My sister in law did mention she had spent hours on the phone lol... lol lol yes you have to do this sometimes. But I did mention yes I knew how taxing it was to take care of her since she lived with me physically for 8 years and was with me 24/7 and I never took a trip to Disney World or was offered one minute of respite from the constant care she required. My daughter and I put our lives on hold, my daughter was 9 and she was 17 when her grandmother left. We lost many years of fun activities that we might have been able to enjoy together, but we did what we had to do. I was amused they had to go to the busiest place on earth at Christmas to relax. I told my sister in law please have a wonderful time you have earned it.  I spit afterward .. lol 
I am seeing my mother tomorrow, I do hope she will remember us, a month when someone is in the shape and place she is in, could make a huge difference. She will be 91 in May. 

Lottie and Don on her 90th brithday.

Phase 2

She ran away on Tuesday. Actually left the by the dining room door, which leads to a walking track. She went around the end of the building and into the front parking lot, which leads to a short driveway out to the heavy congested 5 lane street.  They said they were " watching " her. 
She shuffles her feet, it would take her some time to make this trip around the building.
 She gets out of breath easily. It was 80 degrees or more. I am sure she had on long sleeves.  
She wouldn't come in for 20 minutes after they found her. They said she had a pair of pants, a hair pic and a 3 inch hunting knife on her. I was asked if I had packed the knife for her, which of course all dementia patients receive one on leaving their family home. duh...
She was determined to leave. 
She lives in an assisted living facility that obviously doesn't watch the residents like they should. They have other people with various degrees of Alzheimer's and Dementia that they shouldn't let around the end of the building as well. There should be a fence.
She was told unless she had a sitter 24/7 then she had 24 hours to get out of the home she has had for 10 months now. 
She was sure they were laughing at her.
She was sure one of the aides didn't like her, and she was sure she didn't like her back.
She was moved to a hospital on Wednesday at noon, I wasn't notified by anyone of the conditions or the ultimatums until 9:30 Wednesday evening.
She had to stay in the hospital 3 days and then she could go to rehab for 3 weeks if they found something wrong with her. 
She has nothing wrong with her except her brain doesn't work like it should.
She will not go to rehab, but to a respite room in the new facility.
She was to be placed in a new facility, found in the 24 hours by her son and daughter in law ( before they were my brother and sister in law, now they are hers.)
She is to be under lock down, wear a bracelet, be monitored, and in a unit with 12 others like herself. 
She might never see the rest of the new building, unless she is taken by me I suppose or one of the people in her unit.
I am supposed to go set up her room, but this won't happen because I am going to help my daughter buy a car this weekend nearby the new place and will not have time or energy to set up the room. 
There are no give backs, you take her, she is yours. 
I have read reports online that the new facility might be understaffed and that patients are left waiting on issues that perhaps with more help, wouldn't happen. This was not researched by either her son or daughter in law.
The afore mentioned relatives can now go on a vacation they said it is a priority to go on, since it has been planned for over a year. I on the other hand didn't have a vacation in 8 years of care in my home. 
Bon Voyage.
Her 85 year old brother is very upset that no one will be available for her orientation into a new facility and the response was too bad, he can come take care of her. He lives far away in another state and is 85 of course. 
At the end of the day, once again she is safe but her mental decline will be swifter with the changes, confusion and stress.